hmm, so Ramadhan has finally set forth and here we muslims are fasting for a month and after that, it's celebrations day in day out! hahah. But to be honest, I'm really enjoyin this month cos it seems, not doing anything in the day but sleeping and waking up to pray, its quite fun to get by the days. Not much of a challenge eh ;)

Haha. but anyway, I am now hereby, declared, a qualified first aid-er. Why? Because, i went to take up the first aid course and apparently, passed that thing and now for 3 years, i can do first aid. But not like it matters anyway cos somehow, the idea of people suddenly fainting on the street and needing CPR is not really happening everyday now does it? :D

So what HAVE i been doing really lately? Hmm, lets see, I get up at 2 in the morning, take my bike up to yishun, meet my frens there, and then come back home for sahur, then sleep my way to buka and then nap again. So basically that's my life. Hmm, not much of a life but yeah, I would say its really good, relaxing!

Oh, and I kinda miss the boys from 755 and the times we had. Haha, oh well, thanks to a private info, I realized that a certain someone doesn't want me arnd them anymore. Oh well, sometimes you lose frens and you gain them. Doesn't matter. anyway. Memories are fun to have, and I've learned to not hang or cling or fight for smth which no one would like you to have.

Hmm, I have this problem now at the back of my mind and for 3days in a row, im actually dreaming about her! NO, not a new girl but my ex. Yeah, she's been appearing and reappearing for 3days now and the feelings are rather perplexed. The 1st day i rmb was me and her like the old times, sharing funny jokes and laughters as usual at our happy places, the 2nd day was different, it was us kinda fighting in the dream and she becoming different, in a way, she's turning into who she is NOW. The third day was more of us going our separate ways, she hand-in-hand with a shadow and me just watching them go. Well, I would say its like a summary of my r/s with her. Haha! But it came in 3 days back-to-back. And to be honest, I dun noe why the dreams came back but all I know is that my feelings for her are a secret. :P

If questioned if I am happy this way, I would say, that too is a secret. No matter. I gotta get ready now. Gonna head somewhere cheerful soon and hopefully I can get over her. I mean, to be honest, the r/s was more of drastic change than things falling apart.

I always believe that if you keep making the same mistakes, it just means no one's trying to make amendments and the problem lingers. Well, I am not stubborn; I just feel that my ideas are always better than YOURS! ;)

Take care people. that's the story of how my life has gone on. It sucks but I love you still :(

No, i wont try to hide it, I wont try to say it too. But honestly, I didn't want you to club. I dunno why the sudden surge of anger and hate but hey, if i cared for you would you believe?

Its never easy being around you, its never easy to see you again and again. One's happiness is another's sadness. That's the fact. You're happy im not, but what can I do? NOTHING apparently.

OK fine, you have your ways of dealing things I dun think I have mine. Right, you're mad at me, I dunno what to say. Let's put it this way that I not only cared but its this feeling that I can't let out or describe at all.

Right again, that YOU'RE-ALL-SO-GREAT! I cant seem to piece things tgt now as I did last time. I know, I've done a great deal to hurt you. But why am I still hurting even after when there's nothing left? :(

Confession: I didn't wanna be part of your birthday surprise, but I was invited to, not by you but by you-know-who. Reason being, its the least I could do. And one more thing, I didn't join cos I know, I'm not worthy of such things from you any more. Plus like i said, I'd rather hide the feelings now than show it. Cos it doesn't make any more sense to me.

I'm sorry but things are rather difficult for me, I'd hope you come back, but it's not hope that I'll be living on any more. But just a mere fantasy already.

yeah, i know i've missed you. But what they hell? Why cant I tell you that I am?

When i look at you, I get cold, when I look at I shiver.
Why?? It's hard.

This all happened after the accident. I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much.

Perhaps I still have feelings for you. :(

Hey girl,
Do I have your attention?
I know the way I've been living
Life so reckless, tragedy endless
Welcome to the family

Hey, there's something missing
Only time will alter your vision
Never in question, lethal injection
Welcome to the family

Not long ago you'd find the answers were so crystal clear
Within a day you find yourself living in constant fear
Can you look at yourself now?
Can you look at yourself?
You can't win this fight

And in a way it seems there's no one to call
When our thoughts are so numb and our feelings unsure
We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

Honestly, this song is really awesome! I cant help but really, this reflects the life im going through now. Its a fight that i've been trying to win but NO! Over and over again, im gettin hurt. What for right?

Hmm, fine you really want me to go away, yeah i'll do that. FOR YOUR SAKE! I'm done here.

It's been about 5 years since we last met? So now i've finally gotten in touch with you ur still as great as before. People change right? I would agree so myself! I'm definitely looking forward to seeing you and honestly, the things you say are really sweet. Thanks :D

So, there's a particular someone which I'd like to let loose out on. Honestly, if you're smart enough you'd be someone who knows how to control situations like what u used to tell me. But when I come to realize something else about you, I realize that it wasn't what we used to say that we had described about ourselves. We're in two worlds. One, i'm happy living with myself, two, i dunno what's with you. Honestly, i wanna wash away what we had, what we felt and forget you entirely. To be honest, i hate seeing how people use people, but what to do, some are just to blind to see that.

I know now what i must do, which I shudav done a long time ago, but why cant i do that? Hmm. I really wanna understand this deep feeling im having but i know its only a hindrance to what's coming up ahead. I hate the fact we know how we feel inside but somehow, we're stubborn about it. Whatever the situation, I cant face you anymore, not today, not tomorrow, not in the future. I've quit trying and I've given up.

That's it, but I sincerely wished and hope the feelings wont come back. I wanna become numb to you. I dun wanna feel anymore. I just wanna live peacefully for once. THANKS in ADVANCE!

I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong. I can't fill the emptiness inside since you've been gone. So is it you or is it me?

I know I said things that I didn't mean but you should've known me by now!
You should've known me...

If you believed when I said I'd be better off without you, then you never really knew me at all.
If you believed when I said that I wouldn't be thinking about you, you thought you knew the truth but you're wrong cos you're all that I need.

Just tell me that you still believe..

I can't undo the things that led us to this place but I know there's something more to us than our mistakes so is it you or is it me?

I know I'm so blind when we don't agree but you should've known me by now.

You should've known me cos you're all that I want
Don't you even know me at all?

I'm still lost in a way. But I still believed.

okay, i was going through my ex's blog and i happen to stumble upon a familiar post that right now i find it very intriguing. hahah. the post is this:

for a week,i wont have an awful voice to sing me to sleep.
for a week, i wont have a companion to have dinner with.
for a week, i wont have anyone to turn to.
for a week, i wont have someone to kiss, to hug me.
for a week, i wont have anyone to complain to on how tiring work is.
for a week, i wont have someone to call me in the middle of the night to have late supper with.
and for a week, i wont have you for everything.
and that you is only Jass Nureddy Kurniawan. im starting to miss you already,baby. please take care,loverboy. iloveyou :)

so what have understand from this post?

Here it is:

forever, u wont have an awful voice to listen to any more.
forever, u wont have a companion to have dinner with.
forever, u wont have anyone to turn to.
forever, u wont have someone to kiss, to hug you.
forever, u wont have anyone to complain to on how tiring work is.
forever, u wont have someone to call me in the middle of the night to have late supper with.
and forever, you wont have me for everything.
and that me has finally decided that life for himself would be better without her. Only because he knows that there's someone out there who's doing that job for him.

Ahh well, sometimes some people tend to bite down hard on the hands that feed them, well, im not perfect but since she's found her MR PERFECTO then who am I to stand in their way right?

I'm just a past, a figment of her imagination and subconsciously created to form hatred illusions. Sooooo what do I think of her now? I guess I am only thinking of how she was perfect at kicking the shit out of me and making my world turn upside down; in other words, played me out.

Ah well, I guess its not a first that she's done this to other guys, let alone me right? Who's fault? None to decide now. Oh well, a simple story of how life must go on.

PLUS! I have a new companion now with me. hehe, and ima definitely take good care of her. :) she's a bomb! Wooohoooo!!!!!!!

She said she had a hard time letting go?? hahaha. that's soooo weird. Thinkin that she let go like as though it was only yesterday we were tgt. Ah fine, she'll have something to say but doesnt matter. We're not here to talk about her. She's just another closed story in my bingo books. HEH!

Anyway, here's the downside about life, it seems that after a longggggg uncertain and abruptly ended relationship, you tend to open your eyes a little more wider than usual. I had this realization that most girls or women tend to be very flirtatious or being very extra attractive when it comes to the boys, esp those who just finished a r/s. Now, like all men, we are semi-attracted to this scent and in a way, it becomes very obvious that someone's hitting on someone. I've had my fair share of maidens but then again, after knowing what they are, it seems that these fairly maidens are none other than monsters. hahah. okay, so maybe monster's not the right word to use but rather very obnoxious towards men. It's weird.

Doesn't matter, I seem to be able to find peace in MCR's, A7X ans Skillet's songs whenever I listen to them. Bullet For My Valentine's harsh but its okay too. Their song kinda makes me know what to do and how to get over this bitch that's in my head and move on with this boring fucking life of mine. Haha, so Zacky says, if she shoves you, you break her arm, if she kicks you, you break her head, but if she pierces ur heart, than u just seal it with glue. Fucking barstard cant give a more serious help now can he?

Ahh well, like I said, when you break up, you discover what she's like with her friends, esp her guy frens, you should check out her FB. Notice how all her old crushes comes flopping back one by one like some sorrow losers craving for her attention hahah. MY GOD, SHE'S BEING WORSHIPPED LIKE A BEAUTY PAGEANT. and i used to be with this kind of girl? hahaha, that sickens me in fact. But what about My FB? hahah, no updates, just waiting to rot. Okay doesn't matter, she'll think she's wanted in life and im not but what gives? She's the ring leader, and im just your plain average guy in life.

Its cool that she chose to let go, one fren told me its not my fault but her lost, I told her, cant be cause i made the mistake and she calmly said," you did the right thing in admitting ur mistake, but she's dumb to not see it." after that line i was like...."Wow...." in my own world. I mean, it didnt come across me that way at all but ya, she did mentioned that personality problems are part of a person being ego, so i guess its safe to say she has personality issues about herself. In a way, she thinks she's high and majestic, and looks down on fallen souls. LOL.

What gives anyway right? She's just another girl, that's to put it bluntly across to those reading this, but to put it in a more complex manner, she's a girl that's no different from your any other girls, so what makes a girl different and special?

That's what I need to find out and certainly it seems I am getting closer to knowing that answer.