Bloody hell! its 5am in the morning and freaking hell i've got a bloody beep test to pass in a few hours time. what a way to prep up my test huh?

well, cant help it. been going thru a rough time badly and sadly truths can really really hurt although it aint you that's been the one that has to go thru it. well, just had a recent chat with a close friend and my word, when the truth came out, it was really bad and now i know why it was hard to let it out in the 1st place.

well, people change for the better or the worst but i mean, to have it done is not a mistake nor an intention. hard to guess which is wrong and which is right but i guess its the life of different individual and i should have reacted appropriately and not like an idiot who thinks that it was okay.

well, on fighting terms again and i guess before she forgives u gotta show whether im up for it or not. firstly i forced it out and secondly i did promise not to judge but it went the wrong way and not as intended too as we liked it to be.

I'M DEFINITELY HOLDING ON.

with whatever that means, but yea, im kinda savouring whatever that's left of us and to begin with, it wasn't even planned for as couple but why the persistence in fighting on for what may seem to be plain fantasy?

Its a curious thing that how we beings actually hoped for but never happened.

Well, i guess i just have to wait. if only she knew how i felt and how ignorant i'd be but i guess that wouldn't change much of a difference now would it?

So far, training has been okay for me, funny people turned up at the stadium and cool people too. Just that now i feel its time i fight for a place. and wait, before that i have to freaking pass this fitness test before i can even think about fighting for a place.

Bummer, this year started out badly for me. never did i intend to lose so much. Never did i intend to see someone go down badly and never had i intended to put someone in a difficult position.

Im full of surprises in which my surprises causes me to create my own curiosity and disbelief.

I seriously wish for better days.

and the time for wishing should really begin right now...

it comes and go as it pleases and life's just like that. one time you know a friend and next you know they're not there, dead or just gone, like the wind.

no point dreading over lost cause or try and make amendments cos it will never happen and somehow that's what some causes seem to be. recent years and experience taught me one thing, a minor slip up will turn into a major upset.

so far the day turn out fine for me. and i guess my time for relationships hasn't settled yet. met up with my ex finally after dunno how long but yea, it was good seeing her again. feelings came flying back like nobody's business. but hmm, i guess feelings are just meant to toy arnd with what you think may happen.

Anyway, i had fun hanging with her and her friend which was kinda interesting cos they seem to share a common knowledge about each other but of course they been friends for too god damn long to know what will come next after the next second passes.

But still, I cant bring myself to ever except her again cause of past emotional experiences. People say, forgive and forget, but i think that's all bullshit when it comes to real first hand happenings. Try being in my shoes and you will know what i mean. haha.

Okay, so training has been fun lately and I'm kinda glad madhu recommended me to the club. I definitely owe him cos, if it wasn't for what he did, I wouldn't even have started soccer again. Oh well, aiming for the best but gotta work hard for it.

Somehow, the days now seemed shorter than usual and nights too. I find it hard sometimes to accept truths and somehow I believe so much in lies that i tend to forget where reality lies. School's been a bore and life just seems to rotate amongst the weird and abnormal. Like a ferris wheel that doesn't stop spinning would end up breaking down one day.

I gotta spice it up somehow with whatever i can do to it. 2008 seems better than 2009 but what more can you ask for when you're turning 18 soon? I'm getting old and although a lot of ppl like the idea of being 18 I know, one day, I'll feel the same of being younger again. but let that day come where reminissence can only savour the true memories of one's past life.

tomorrow will be another day of circle. But i guess i can look forward for something when it comes up. hopefully another meeting with that girl would be great, but it seems distant now. and a new life awaits those who wants to grab it.

funny little blog post but i guess that's how i relate my life to what's happening right now.