"WHY? "
That word just seemed to be surfacing every single time my mind seems to be at ease or when i feel less troubled than before. Nothing seemed to be help me much now. Yes people tell me that everything will get better, I know it will get better but how do we know or do you know it will? You're not GOD to begin with, but maybe through experience it will.
I'm seriously going thru a fucking hard time now to get over these issues, friends try and help, even my girlfriend's there to lend a hand to me but I myself dun really know what's going on or how to settle these. It's difficult to get by life now.
Money isn't the problem anymore, but rather holding on to people is the main issue that I think is really pissing me off.
The funny thing is that people say when you meet your loved ones, you should feel warmth, joy, love etc etc, the positive emotions of life. The bottom line is I am not feeling any of those, but rather, sadness, hate, vengeance fills my blood with pain and anger. How do I succumb to these? Anyone out there to really know what i'm going thru?
True enough I am in denial most of the time. I have a girlfriend but sometimes I really wished she would be there to always hear me out but then again, she has her life and her other commitments to go through, and I dun wanna always be the one in the light, I like helping people, I've helped a lot, but where are those shit heads that I helped? Or is everyone really happy with their life now and no one really gives a damn about anything else??
I try not to show that Im troubled, but even the most simple person that doesn't know anything about body feelings can tell that i'm deeply in trouble, I dunno what to do. I wanna end my life, not because I have nothing but there's this pain and guilt in me that's seriously bothering me SOOO GOD DAMN MUCH THAT I SERIOUSLY FEEL HOPELESS!!
I wanna be there for my girl, when she's in need of me..
But how? That's why I wanna leave all my problems aside and keep other's around me happy but I dun think that's happening. Everyone seemed to be smiling and I'm not. A mask that i where around me that would show not the side of me right now. A facade that people would see the wrong things.
Baby, I know you're trying your very best to help me through this but I guess you really dun have much to do or give me now. I just want you to be happy and what I'm going through now is seriously making you feel rather terrible and helpless. I know and I am sorry, I need you by my side more than ever. We're only starting out and I dun wanna make you feel this way this early. But sad to say darling, things just doesn't seem to work out right for me now. I need you to be stronger than me now and not to give up even if things seemed to be hopeless for us. True that I can make you happy but now i need you to be in my shoes, to make me shine like the way you used to. Deep down you should know i truely love you and I dunno how else to show you or put it in words to show my love to you....
Just take care of yourself if anything does happen to me...
Be it good or bad, I am still here for you!
Love you baby :)
eddysrah♥
